Allow Dreams To Shatter
Throwback from May 7, 2024
Allow Dreams To Shatter
“Mom,” it was Wednesday, April 24, 2024. I assumed someone had dropped a shift for preschool program and she was here to cover. I had said hello, chatted a moment, and glanced around as none of our preschool program coaches had arrived but if Christina was covering, why wasn’t she in a work shirt?
The tone made me give her my full attention. Then I noticed her books: her Bible, a study book Grandma Tina had gifted her, The Study (our church’s monthly study guide), and a notebook. She wasn’t wearing make-up, her eyes were serious but distant – sad? Her cross (Louis got the girls and I all matching crosses for Christmas this year) was missing. Her ring was missing.
“Mom, do you have a moment?”
My heart died with the sadness I heard.
In an instant, I understood why I’d felt such a heavy burden to pray for Christina and Gavin lately. I always pray for my children; I pray for their friends; I’ve prayed for Gavin. It had been pressing more since they came back from their Michigan trip, something had felt “off” and since Christina’s graduation I found myself praying for wisdom and strength for them almost every time I thought of them; the urge to pray was even stronger. Several of our church mentors had mentioned they felt led to pray for Christina lately or would mention in passing, “let Christina know I’m praying for her.” My best friend had mentioned a burden on her heart for Christina. I always said everyone could use all the prayers we could give.
“I’m breaking up…” and she apologized for crying – no, please don’t apologize for crying! Girl, this can’t be a whim. You never do anything on a whim! Everything is long and thought out and logically driven (almost everything). Tears are what our body does when our hearts are breaking, cry all you need. My mother heart broke in sympathy for her; but all I could do was listen and offer shoulder as she “picked herself up” (as she said), wiped her eyes and calmly tried to explain her reasonings and what had led her to this.
We spoke for a few minutes before the preschool program coaches started coming in. I made use of the meeting room and told my coach friend (fellow mom, team sister mom, close friend) “She needs me to talk, I’m going to disappear unless y’all need me.” She nodded. The world outside ceased to exist. My heart was already crying and I was praying for wisdom and the ears to listen deeply.
For nearly an hour, I listened, tried to comfort, and prayed as my young woman talked through her three-years-in-the-making choice to break up with her finance. She’d found that instead of growing together, they were growing apart. She has a crazy love for life and exuberance in everything she touches. She had discovered that the life path she wanted; her goals, dreams, desires, did not match his. They had both grown up. I listened. I prayed for wisdom and therefore spoke little. I encouraged and she talked. Her emotions, sadness, understanding, empathy, realization, everything she had felt, the logic and emotion behind the decision she claimed she’d been wrestling with for years. This dream has started dying four years ago.
In my mind, I shifted back to my sisters in various times in their lives. Two points in my own life… where we’d had to allow our dreams to shatter so God can pick up the parts He wants, sweep away whatever was not for us, and guide us in rebuilding. We have to allow our dreams to shatter sometimes so God can direct the rebuilding the way He wants. Sometimes, it’s to rid us of something He warned us to not do or get involved with anyway.
It’s really hard to watch this happen as a mom to your child. And I thought being a big sister and hearing my siblings’ hearts rip was painful…
We always want smooth sailing for our children. A few boo boos that we can kiss away, maybe. We dig into our soul for strength and lean on Jesus when there’s a challenge that we can’t just fix on our own. I have prayed that my children follow the wisdom of God. Sometimes they choose this after they have made a choice that will involve heartache. Every choice has a consequence. I know that through this heart hurt, Christina will rise stronger. She will lean deeper on God. Allow her friends to cry and rejoice with her. She will rise up on the wings of eagles. This is nothing I can kiss away – only God can heal her heart as she allows it.
God, I thank you for love! Thank you for forgiveness! Give Christina the strength to lean on You, to allow You to redirect her steps and wash away guilt and pain to renew her mind with joy and peace.
Thank you for reading!
Type at you next time!
~Nancy Tart
