Nancy Tart: Writing for Life

September 8, 2019

Leaving My Little Love

I’m looking at the man cross the coffee table as I talk.  I knew even though he said it was okay to bring my baby (at this point, I’m 8 months pregnant) to work with me, there would come a time when my baby would be better off with Daddy and her siblings than at my office with three doggies, a kitty, and office phones.

Almost seven months later, I’m answering Louis’ call while at work and we are discussing Christina and Becky’s schedule for the night while Thea, hearing Daddy’s voice, is yelling at the top of her lungs. Louis says “She really doesn’t need to be in the office.”

We’d been discussing it, but I was very reluctant.  See, I can’t stand being behind a desk… I want to be active, moving, teaching.  Other adults don’t help.  I hate being still.  (Maybe why I don’t listen to midwives or doctors saying “get bed rest” and instead I’m riding to gym with my girls and Louis – yes! He drove! – when Thea is hours old to watch their practice.)  I wanted Thea with me.

Kitty shows up & Thea is in her play seat.  Kitty has stayed away from her the whole 3 months the kitten has been in the office.  Kitty jumps up on the table of the play area and Thea giggles, excitedly pets Kitty, and rubs her hand over her face and head.   Spots break out – a rash… my baby is allergic to cats! Now I won’t jeopardize her health so from then on she stays home. 

I’m sure that was God saying, “quit being stubborn! Listen to your husband.” 

Leaving her home is the hardest thing ever for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally thankful for my job, I’m just sad that I can’t have my little love with me.

I’m seriously living for the day when I can come into the office at 6am, even 5am, and leave at noon or 1pm.  That is my working goal.  I don’t care if that means less pay… I want to be home with my children.  My loyalty instinct keeps me returning to work.  I LOVE teaching.  I LOVE coaching – and I get to take all my children!  I feel that with the way the company wants to expand, I will be able to move to 5am to noon or 6am to noon one day soon.  I’m praying that’s soon.  I’ll even work from home on weekends or evenings if needed.  I want to be home. 

I think that’s an issue a lot of us women feel but are afraid to say.  We just want to be home when they are home!  We want to be around our teens so we can learn about these amazing young women.  We want to counsel our preteens and research their deep questions alongside them.  We want to guide and protect our elementary kiddos and watch our preschoolers, toddlers, and infants with wonder and awe as they grow and explore.  We want to help mold their little characters as that is the reason God gave them to us.  He knew we could mold them the way He wants.  He gave them to us so we could be a part of their lives and our heart knows that.  We desire to teach our children.

I feel a great empathy with those who can’t stay home or make their schedules work the way they want.  I watch my single sister (who has an amazing daughter she pours everything into, by the way) struggle with the “failure” she feels for not being around as much as she wants to be.  Girl.  That is me too.  I can’t stand being away.  I wanted a job where I could keep my children with me.  (Running a cab company, I was always home!  Even gym coach, my kiddos are there with big sister or awesome ladies/young ladies or now, Grandma!)

God is teaching me patience.  Also that I can’t be everywhere at once.  He is also teaching me to look from all angles. 

Louis has been working 60 to 80+ hours at 2 or more jobs since Christina was born.  He’s been so busy or sleeping between jobs all their lives.  Now, he has one job at evening/night leaving as we are going to sleep.  He gets to cook amazing meals, homeschool them, and watch them grow.  He took Thea home one afternoon instead of leaving her with my mom and Paige in the afterschool/babysitting room at gym. He said he loved it.  “I can see why you miss taking her to work.” He said.  He loved “hanging out” with Thea for five hours by himself.  She ate two jars of baby food, some rice, some apple, played all kinds of giggling games with Daddy on the bed, and then snuggled with him and fell asleep on his tummy.  Louis said he loves this part of being a Daddy.

I was smacked upside the head with the realization that I was being rather selfish in my desire to always be with her.  Louis wants to be just as involved in our children as I do.  He loves the baby giggles, snuggles, and laughter just as I do.  He feels powerful and insignificant and totally blessed just like I do when one of our angels falls asleep snuggling.  We are of the mindset that each may be the last – but honestly, there is a feeling of finality with Thea that wasn’t there for anyone else.  (I’m not saying we won’t have another, just being honest about feelings – I am totally open for whatever God wants)  I need to let Louis have as much baby time as he wants. 

So, in this season, it’s the hardest of all for me; I’m away from my children ten hours a day.  I’m willing to work for the day when we have four teams, a location I can show up at to make sure the vans are stocked, the teams are off with all their supplies, and I’m joined by someone else in the office who allows me to leave at noon.  This is what I hope for.  A little more at 8 to 4 and hopefully, I’m early morning and working from home. 

My Thea, my little love, is at home.  I rest securely in the knowledge that her Daddy is relishing his time with her, and her big sisters and brother will help see that she’s entertained and well fed!

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart